It’s happened many times over the years. John and I have found ourselves in a hospital room awaiting a diagnosis or test results, acutely aware that we are in a situation completely out of our control.  One day life is normal and the next we’re shedding tears of grief with broken-hearted loved ones.  

Crisis looks differently for each of us. When I compare my life to others, it’s as though I’ve only experienced the pre-school version of suffering. My friend Bethany lost her two toddlers to a freak, single car accident on an icy winter road. She lived; they did not. Our friends lost their teenage son to a jet ski collision between brothers. One lived; one did not.  ALS recently took the life of a godly energetic pastor’s wife - one I looked up to. In the prime of her life, she left behind a faithful husband, loving children, and four precious grandchildren. And nearest and dearest to the hearts of our church family, this last September we experienced the devastating loss of eight-week-old Eli Stelsel, son of the dearly loved Stelsel family. 

A tidal wave of tragedy has rolled through each of these family’s lives, yet they are still standing, and their love for and trust in Jesus remains. How is that possible? As we face the reality of suffering and think about questions like this one, three things come to mind: preparing for suffering, helping others as they suffer, and suffering well. 

Prepare for Suffering

These families practiced trusting the Lord long before the trial came. While talking to the Stelsels in the wake of their loss, Sam said, “This is why it’s so important that our church family read God’s Word and walk with Him every day. It’s so that when they lose a child, they don’t question the goodness of God.” 

Jeremiah 17: 7-8 says, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” 

For years Sam and Amy have been sending out their roots to the stream of Living Water and it has nourished deep faith in their hearts. The heat has come, and their leaves remain green.

How can you prepare for suffering?

• Read your Bible like a treasure map, not like a class syllabus. Search for the hidden treasure.  Proverbs 2
• Read books on the character and attributes of God. Know who He is. John 17:3
• Know what you believe about God’s sovereign rule. Know your theology and what the Scriptures say about God and suffering. Romans 8:28
• Practice for what’s to come. Don’t run from hard things. Don’t protect your kids from hard life lessons. Life is hard and everyone will suffer to some degree. Philippians 1:27
• Don’t be surprised when suffering comes. 1 Peter 4:12-13
• Attend memorial services and be okay to mourn. Deep thinking and feeling about eternity is a good thing.  Ecclesiastes. 7:12
• Release what is precious to you. Daily offer your spouse, your kids, your grand-kids, your job, your health, your possessions to the Lord -  acknowledging you are a only steward of these good gifts. Philippians 3:7

Help Others as They Suffer

When our daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia, we learned many deep lessons. One of them was how to support people in crisis. 

2 Corinthians 1:4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction so that we may comfort those in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” God has given us new eyes to comfort. Here are some key things we learned: 

How can you comfort those in trials? 

• Do not ask, “how are you?” Most people in the middle of hardship or tragedy don’t actually know how they are and that question is overwhelming. Instead say, “I can’t imagine how you are feeling, I’m so sorry. We are praying for you.” 
• Do not say, “if there is anything I can do, just ask.” They won’t. They don’t have time to think about what they need, much less the energy to ask for it. 
• Text verses and worship songs/lyrics. I couldn’t always respond to these but when I had a quiet moment, I would go back and read/listen for comfort. 
• Don’t wait to help. Drop something off on the porch. It could be a meal, gas cards for trips to the hospital, or cash to help with flights. Don’t knock - just text that there is something on the porch. I can’t tell you how many times I opened the door to find encouragement on my doormat. 
• Meet practical needs. Provide extra snacks and food for family/visitors that will be in and out of town. Wash and cut fresh veggies and fruit so they are easy to eat. Provide paper goods. Bring water bottles in a cooler. Mow the lawn. Offer to taxi kids to school, youth group and back. Swing by to grab a load of laundry. Don’t ask. Just ask them to leave it on the porch and say you’ll drop it off next day. 
• Don’t expect a personal response. Talking to and interacting with people takes tremendous emotional energy. Keep in mind they are already communicating with extended family, doctors, hospitals, insurance, funeral homes, etc. 
• Consider flowers/decor for the porch if there’s a season change or make a holiday meal. One family provided Easter dinner for our whole family when I couldn’t make it. It was such a gift. 
• Consider the children involved and needs they may have. At one point I remember a hefty week of hospital visits and simultaneously being out of socks at home. One dear friend stocked us up on socks as I didn’t have time to shop. 
• Remember dates and text an, “I’m thinking about you today” note. Remember stories of the loved one and share. Its common to fear that people will “forget” about their lost loved one. 
• Do not underestimate the power of prayer. Write down the needs and pray regular, specific things into their lives. 

Suffer Well

Leukemia came out of nowhere for the Dirkse family. One day life was normal; 72 hours later, we were staring down cancer. As we were trying to get the news out to our extended family on the west coast, I called my mom to tell her the news. I’ll never forget how she responded. “Mom, Emma has been diagnosed with cancer, she has Leukemia.” She said to me, “Oh Bets, what a privilege God has given you, Emma and your family. To share in Christ’s sufferings, not everyone has been given that honor. You are especially loved by the Lord.” WOW. I don’t remember how I responded exactly but that moment was critical in shaping how we handled those two and a half years. This was not a punishment, no. Cancer had “been granted to us that for the sake of Christ we should not only believe but suffer for His sake.” This was a privilege and that was the only way we would allow ourselves to look at it. 

How can you suffer well? 

• Find the good around you. Be thankful. Make a list of what you’re thankful for, how God is providing or answering prayer. Ask God for joy. James 1:2-4
• Don’t grumble. Resist a “sky is falling mentality.” Phil. 2:14
• Trust Him with your future. This may take repeating Bible verses with His promises over and over until your heart believes it. Phil. 1:21
• Keep serving people. Get eyes off yourself as much as possible. Even in suffering it is better to give than receive. Phil. 2:3, Acts 20:35
• Look to Heaven and the future hope we have in Christ. Romans 8:18, Revelation 21:4, 2 Cor 4:17
• Welcome Christlikeness being formed in you. Rom. 5:35, 1 Peter 5:10, Phil 3:10, Rom 8:17, 2 Cor 4:8-15
• Don’t lose heart. 2 Cor 4:16

May God strengthen you as you ponder these things today. 

You are loved!

~ Betsey Dirkse